Of insomnias, epilation and a panda...

I think my insomnia's back. Why I think so? I normally hit the sack at around 10pm, and it usually takes me around 5-10mins before I finally doze off to dreamland. Then I'm up by 5am, will wait for my alarm (which I set at 5:30am) before I drag myself off to get my caffeine and nicotine fix. But lately it's different, I lie awake until the wee hours of the morning, usually until 2:30-3am, doze off to a bothered, dream-filled sleep, then will be up and awake (no snoozing this time) by 5-5:30am.

Rather than lying down trying to catch that elusive shut-eye, I thought I better make use of the time to do something productive. First I thought I should bring home some stuff from work, but naah, I won’t get anything out of it (I have been longing for that much-awaited salary increase for more than a year now. Then I thought that I should used the extra time to really think about my life, then eventually, rather than sorting out some loose ends, I ended up with a terrible headache, so no more thinking about getting a change of career, moving to another country, needs, wants, disappointments, hang-ups, and relationships.

Then I finally decided to use up all this time, energy, pain, confusion, emotion, imagination and paranoia to my advantage. Last night I started writing again…

* * * * * *

I learned something lately. When your hurting inside, used this time to epilate (or wax if that’s what you prefer), you’ll hardly feel the pain. I have low pain tolerance but somehow I had managed to epilate my legs and underarms during the weekend, and actually enjoyed it.

* * * * * *

I fell asleep last night clinging to an old beanie panda. It was a gift from an ex (when we were still together, that is), and had been sort of my security blanket-cum-comfort zone when we broke up. I had kept it with me even after I had moved on and had been catching dust for sometime now, together with my stuffed Tigger. Last night, after running out of thoughts to carry me on through my insomnia attack, I just felt the urge to hold it again (not even hug it, I’m just clutching its foot), and I finally fell asleep.

Thinking about it now, I realized what happened last night. It is not a case of the “missing the ex” syndrome. It’s more like the beanie was something from my past; I think I had connected it to the comfort of home and the secured feeling of knowing who you are and what you want. I was probably troubled by my doubts about my present state, and definitely wary about the future that I don’t want to think about anymore, that the urge to cling to a past that I know so well seems very comforting.

I think I’ll wash the beanie panda later…

Update: Thanks to Ebudae,I've been looking for the right word to describe the comfort the past gives. Found it hehe, it's "familiarity". I am familiar with the past, familiarity=security! hehe!

Tagged

Tagged! Okay, I was tagged by Marye, and she wants me to write down 7 of my current favorite songs, and then I must tag another seven. Since I am not doing anything, I might as well get down to it.

But since I haven’t been watching any TV or listening to the radio since I got here (yeah, that’s almost two years, though I am updated on Hollywood gossips), I am not familiar with the new songs, bands, or singers that are hitting the charts right now. So my list will basically contain songs that I have gotten used to hearing (and eventually liked) from schmuck’s old collections. My top 7 will be (in no particular order):

1. Moon Over Bourbon Street (Sting) – I just love Sting! I love most of his songs but I kind of fell in love with this one.

2. I Walk Beside You (Dream Theater) – Schmuck always play this one, and since I hear it a lot, I slowly learned the lyrics and then eventually liked it. It was just lately that I knew the title and who sang it. When I found out it was by Dream Theater, I loved the song more, hehe.

3. This Time’s For Real (Ill Nino) – I heard it again from Schmuck, liked it, reminds me of my college days hehe, makes me miss my elephant pants and my almost shaved head hehe.

4. Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac) – Just one of those songs that was being repeatedly played and have accustomed to like hehe.

5-7. Fragile, Seven Days and Message in a Bottle (Sting) – Yes I ran out of artist, so I list another 3 songs from Sting that are always in repeat mode in my player hehe.

I won’t be obliging anyone to follow my suit on this tagging thing, but I’ll name 7 of you anyways: tin (coz I’m curious if she can name just 7 from tons of her fave), balarns (another curiosity), misfit (will it be songs about heartbreaks dear?), patty (hehe miss you pattypie), riel (do still have time for music dear?), mitch (if you too have time for it) and ye (what’s on repeat mode on your new player huh?).

On another note: Holiday tomorrow! Wee! It’s a Muslim Holiday, It’s Prophet Mohammed’s birthday. Yes! I can sleep, sleep and sleep some more.

In my delusional state...

I was just doing my normal lunch time routine: eating last night’s leftover that I have heated in our office’s microwave and reading the day’s tabloid or magazine. Then I came across an article in the career section that hit me like a drench of ice-cold water. It was these particular lines that hit me:

“I think I have missed my calling”
“What is your calling?”
“I have no idea; I just hate to think I was born to do what I am doing now…”

It made me contemplate on my current job. I had realized years ago that I am making a wrong career choice when I took that degree back in college and further made a wrong decision when I took this job. But sometimes, though you know exactly what you wanted to do in life, the type of job that will bring you fulfillment, you just don’t know how to go about having a career change or probably just scared to do it. And before you realize it, it was already too late to make that career shift.

Probably a transferring to a new company can temporarily relieve this itch, or probably a move to another country. As for now, I’ll just have to go about putting up with this until I have enough money (and guts) to leave my secure job and salary to pursue an uncertain dream.

Someday I’ll just be living in the Mediterranean, watching some small fishing boats pass by, as I write my perfect novel. Funny as it may sound to other people but I think I want to be a romance writer, yes, those Harlequin or Mills & Boon-type, hehe. I know they are cheesy but hell, that’s what I want to do, and will make me happy.

As for now, I’ll just go about this tiring routine, but I have my goals to look forward to. Cheers to Dreamland!