Of insomnias, epilation and a panda...
I think my insomnia's back. Why I think so? I normally hit the sack at around 10pm, and it usually takes me around 5-10mins before I finally doze off to dreamland. Then I'm up by 5am, will wait for my alarm (which I set at 5:30am) before I drag myself off to get my caffeine and nicotine fix. But lately it's different, I lie awake until the wee hours of the morning, usually until 2:30-3am, doze off to a bothered, dream-filled sleep, then will be up and awake (no snoozing this time) by 5-5:30am.
Rather than lying down trying to catch that elusive shut-eye, I thought I better make use of the time to do something productive. First I thought I should bring home some stuff from work, but naah, I won’t get anything out of it (I have been longing for that much-awaited salary increase for more than a year now. Then I thought that I should used the extra time to really think about my life, then eventually, rather than sorting out some loose ends, I ended up with a terrible headache, so no more thinking about getting a change of career, moving to another country, needs, wants, disappointments, hang-ups, and relationships.
Then I finally decided to use up all this time, energy, pain, confusion, emotion, imagination and paranoia to my advantage. Last night I started writing again…
* * * * * *
I learned something lately. When your hurting inside, used this time to epilate (or wax if that’s what you prefer), you’ll hardly feel the pain. I have low pain tolerance but somehow I had managed to epilate my legs and underarms during the weekend, and actually enjoyed it.
* * * * * *
I fell asleep last night clinging to an old beanie panda. It was a gift from an ex (when we were still together, that is), and had been sort of my security blanket-cum-comfort zone when we broke up. I had kept it with me even after I had moved on and had been catching dust for sometime now, together with my stuffed Tigger. Last night, after running out of thoughts to carry me on through my insomnia attack, I just felt the urge to hold it again (not even hug it, I’m just clutching its foot), and I finally fell asleep.
Thinking about it now, I realized what happened last night. It is not a case of the “missing the ex” syndrome. It’s more like the beanie was something from my past; I think I had connected it to the comfort of home and the secured feeling of knowing who you are and what you want. I was probably troubled by my doubts about my present state, and definitely wary about the future that I don’t want to think about anymore, that the urge to cling to a past that I know so well seems very comforting.
I think I’ll wash the beanie panda later…
Rather than lying down trying to catch that elusive shut-eye, I thought I better make use of the time to do something productive. First I thought I should bring home some stuff from work, but naah, I won’t get anything out of it (I have been longing for that much-awaited salary increase for more than a year now. Then I thought that I should used the extra time to really think about my life, then eventually, rather than sorting out some loose ends, I ended up with a terrible headache, so no more thinking about getting a change of career, moving to another country, needs, wants, disappointments, hang-ups, and relationships.
Then I finally decided to use up all this time, energy, pain, confusion, emotion, imagination and paranoia to my advantage. Last night I started writing again…
* * * * * *
I learned something lately. When your hurting inside, used this time to epilate (or wax if that’s what you prefer), you’ll hardly feel the pain. I have low pain tolerance but somehow I had managed to epilate my legs and underarms during the weekend, and actually enjoyed it.
* * * * * *
I fell asleep last night clinging to an old beanie panda. It was a gift from an ex (when we were still together, that is), and had been sort of my security blanket-cum-comfort zone when we broke up. I had kept it with me even after I had moved on and had been catching dust for sometime now, together with my stuffed Tigger. Last night, after running out of thoughts to carry me on through my insomnia attack, I just felt the urge to hold it again (not even hug it, I’m just clutching its foot), and I finally fell asleep.
Thinking about it now, I realized what happened last night. It is not a case of the “missing the ex” syndrome. It’s more like the beanie was something from my past; I think I had connected it to the comfort of home and the secured feeling of knowing who you are and what you want. I was probably troubled by my doubts about my present state, and definitely wary about the future that I don’t want to think about anymore, that the urge to cling to a past that I know so well seems very comforting.
I think I’ll wash the beanie panda later…
Update: Thanks to Ebudae,I've been looking for the right word to describe the comfort the past gives. Found it hehe, it's "familiarity". I am familiar with the past, familiarity=security! hehe!
posted by Graciela @ 9:26 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
i would definitely agree on the part of holding on to a thing that reminds you of comfort and security, and the life you once had. Sometimes we just feel the urge to go back, to digress in this somehow well-meaning world we are currently in.
Always remember that you may look back but do not reach out for what's in the past stays in the past. :)
so much introspection... the dead of the night, brains all fired but there's only the dark, nothingness... and you reach a part of yourself that you often don't see. how nice. to understand one's self. before it's too late.
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