Closer
The other night, i realized something while i was watching "Closer".
That I am making this search really really difficult for me.
Why? Coz of this little tendency that i've had since God-knows-when.. and it had been ruining guys' lives and also mine for that matter.. It's like this:
I love guys who i know i cannot have. I tend to pursue guys that i know will never ever look my way. I love the pursuit. I crave the challenge. I long for the moment when the guy that i thought i can't have will be in my firm grasp. But then when i know that the guy's mine.. i dump them, leave them hanging and run away..
I know, i'm pretty nasty. Haven't really thought of this until after that movie, and then i put some thought unto it, then realization came, that i have been like this ever since.
Maybe it's my lack of self-esteem that is turning me into this controlling and manipulating little bitch. It had been my ego-booster for the longest time. Damn, i just did it to schmuck. Yeah schmuck you're right, it's really pretty ironic for someone who enjoys getting what she wants but hesitates at the last moment.
Come to think of it, the only relationships i had that lasted are the ones wherein the pursuit was never over. The one that lasted for like six months lasted that long because i never really had him. We are together but he was never mine. So i was always trying to have him all to myself. The last one, which is the longest and most meaningful relationship i ever was in lasted for 2 years and 5 months. I just realized that it may have lasted that long for the same reasons.. I was longing to be his first priority which i never became.
But don't get me wrong here, i loved all these guys. I still love the last one most.. but this tendency to manipulate and control is really overwhelming.
Hay.. this will really make this search very diffucult..
* * * * *
by the way, Ria dear? It never really crossed my mind that our blog titles are quite similar hehe.. don't worry, no intention of copying it in the first place, still thinking for the right synonym hehe..
posted by Graciela @ 7:52 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
finding? looking? scouting? surfing? the quest for? the longing for? discovering? rediscovering? identifying? naming? to realize? to fill? to settle? to establish? to grasp? reaching out for ... going for ... aiming for ...
in search of.
there is really no need to find terms that equate to those words ... the end still says the same thing: you're looking.
which should not be the case.
my two cents of crap:
let go.
learn from yesterday, look forward to tomorrow; live for today.
and enjoy the journey.
dear? are u talking to me or you're talking to yourself? haha..
in time dear, in time we'll be happy, in love and armed with much powerful passports ready for world domination! lol..
hi! i thought u were being rescued already fr the terrorists or something, you just lost the track - i have no idea that u were banned!! (LOL)
since the 1st day i met u (though we're not real close), that was 1st yr high school.. i consider u as a friend..heck, some friend u had in me, huh.. considering all the badness that i did to u (believe me, i became worst after that) pardon me, i'm losing track here.. the point is, u were always like that, and i was just apalled to the idea that it hit u just now.. anyway, old habits die hard..dear.. c u in december in the phil. if ever i will come home too.. bye!!
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